Pan-dilemma 2020

I’ve never been so conflicted in my life.

Covid 19 came like a big rain after you’ve just washed your car… like why now!?

Why right when I’m halfway through my bachelor’s degree and have a part-time job in the exact place I want to work when I’m finished?

Why right when I live in a house full of people versus solitarily like all the years before?

Why right when one of the most important people in the world to me gets a weird, bad diagnosis, if you’d even call it that… because they can’t confirm or deny anything with the state of how things are?

Why do I have to consciously choose between “risking my health and the ones I love” remaining in a more quarantined state so as to not contract any viruses versus actually spending the time that is available with them while I can?

Do I avoid them in hopes of keeping them safe and around longer for me to see later? Or do I take the time I have now, even with the risks associated?

Some days I am so strong in my belief of living in the moment as tomorrow isn’t promised, but then that little anxiety fairy creeps in and is like “wait, you’re going to be the reason they aren’t promised tomorrow when you start spreading all your germs that you’ve picked up from random places ramble ramble ramble brain scramble….”

I can’t be the only one.

And I refuse to question how much longer I have to suffer like this in my own mind because that suffering could instantly be shortened by the wrong means, if you know what I’m saying… and I will not be thinking about anything tragic before it happens. I refuse to let myself go through something twice, so I will wait until I have to experience it to actually experience it.

Speaking of experiences, how am I supposed to be content in having wasted almost a whole year in fear of thinking I am risking the health of someone I love? That alone is another stressor to the anxiety. You definitely don’t want to see what my hands look like today.

I’ve found some solace in being caught up in some online businesses that I’ve been throwing time into. I can’t focus on school. I wish I could, but my mind can’t seem to commit. It’s the dilemma of 2020 for me. This pandemic is chipping away at me mentally and not in the same sense as it has affected other people.

But, I really can’t be the only one.

Wherever you are, whoever you love, whatever it is you are stuck doing during this pandemic… I hope you know that you will come out stronger some how. Don’t give up. Love the people you have while you can in the safest way you can, or don’t. Whatever you do, don’t let the dilemma consume you. A battle exists in my mind every waking moment of my life as of recently, and I would never wish it on anyone else.

Do you feel the same, similar, or have something you’d like to share with me? I’d love to speak with you!

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